How to use your emotions to negotiate successful agreements - Part 3

As I mention in my previous blog, appreciating others will naturally bring helpful emotions in those to whom we negotiate with.


Finding value in another’s reasoning requires that you actually do see value in it. Honesty is crucial.

If you are having a conflict with someone, find value in their reasoning. Even if you disagree with the other person’s opinion, you can acknowledge their reasons for seeing the subject as they do. They might be motivated by strong feeling, a passionate belief, or a persuasive argument. Regardless, if you disagree with the other person’s opinion try to act as a mediator by putting yourself in the third person. You may say: “I understand [your point of view], and I appreciate [your reasoning or belief].

Rule #1 - Communicate your understanding – Demonstrate your understanding of the value you have found in their opinion. Once you understand their perspective, let them know. Your remarks should be honest. You may say simple things as: “It sounds like you feel worried about this issue and I appreciate your concern, especially knowing that you have worked so hard to get it done……” You may also suggest how upset you might be if it happened to you.

Rule #2 – Show your understanding of what they are saying. If you find that you have stopped listening to the other person, ask yourself. “Am I done or are they done?” In any case, people’s emotions are more likely to be contained if you somehow show them your understanding. For example: Once I had two team members who had a major conflict regarding my project schedule. I listen to both sides and I made sure I understood both views by saying: “Let me see if I understood your concern correctly.” Then I repeated what they said and they acknowledged my understanding. By doing it, I simply decreased their emotional stress and I showed appreciation for their opinions.

When another person feels truly heard, you have valued not only the person’s message but also the person as an individual.

Many people fear that appreciating someone’s point of view is equivalent to agreeing with them. This is not TRUE. Whether or not you agree with someone, you can find value in their reasoning and let them know it. You don’t give up your authority to decide; you can still say the final yes or no, and increase the likely hood that the two of you will be able to work effectively together.